The other day I listened to a lecture by Tedd Tripp on reaching the hearts of our children, not just reforming their behavior. Amidst many humorous, down-to-earth illustrations, Dr. Tripp reinforced that oft-ignored scriptural truth: Heart determines behavior.
So in teaching this mini-series on manners, we have emphasized from the outset the importance of addressing the heart issues that are involved. Our children must understand from Scripture that they were created for God’s glory and that our lives are to revolve around Him, not ourselves. Our kids must come to know the grace of God in Christ, that they might experience that grace for themselves and have that grace flow from their hearts and into the lives of those around them. As adults, we should remember that good manners are caught, not just taught. To teach our children in the ways of God, we must walk the walk ourselves and not just talk the talk.
Speaking of which, we addressed the issue of speech in our last posting. Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34). Words have a way of revealing what’s in the heart. If we as parents will listen carefully to what our kids say, their words will give us a clue as to the spiritual climate of their hearts. As we shepherd their hearts and they respond to our shepherding, we will see a transformation in the way they talk. The progress will be slow and painstaking at times, but steady. In addition to shepherding their hearts, we also have to teach them the right way to talk. That is to say, they may have a zeal for God-honoring speech, but not according to knowledge! So we need to teach them proper manners in terms of saying "please," "thank you," "pardon me," etc., as well as how to introduce people properly and how to respond when spoken to, especially by an adult.
Continuing on with these "practical pointers," we now turn our attention to table manners. Once again, I have adapted this material from Kent and Barbara Hughes’ book, Disciplines of a Godly Family. They are right in saying that every member of the family should know and practice basic table etiquette. So here we go. . .
Setting the Table
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the only time to set a nice table is when company is coming. That’s not to say that you should bring out your finest dishes or silverware for everyday dining but that the basic lay-out should be the same, conveying the importance and anticipation of the family meal.
The table should be set as follows: The fork is placed to the left of the plate. The knife goes to the right of the plate, with the cutting edge facing the plate. The spoon is placed directly to the right of the knife. If a soup spoon will be needed, it is placed to the right of the teaspoon, and a salad fork is placed at the left of the dinner fork. The glass is placed just above the point of the knife. The bread plate or salad plate (or both if needed) is placed directly above the forks and to the left. The napkin may be placed to the left of the forks or in the middle of the dinner plate.
Taking the time to teach your children how to set a table is time well spent. They will thank you someday!
Setting the Scene
Once the table is set, it’s nice to add a centerpiece. It can be flowers, fresh fruit, a loaf of freshly baked bread, or simply a nice candle. A centerpiece is that extra touch that says "our times together around the table is special." Perhaps some soft music in the background may even be appropriate.
(Fletcher’s footnote: Some of you are already laughing and saying, "Yeah, right." But let me tell you that it is possible for this to be a more-often-than-not occurrence. My mother did it, and my wife does it. And when Ruthie isn’t around, my daughter Megan does it! In fact, even I usually do it, though not as capably. It’s simply a matter of working at it. And it really does help to create a comfortable and homey atmosphere at mealtime.)
Dinner Is Served
Dinnertime with children is an opportune time for training. But this demands lots of patience and gentle consistency. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt, either! Here is a basic list of what to do and what not to do at mealtime:
1. Come to the table with hands and face washed.
2. Give thanks to God.
3. Place your napkin in your lap.
4. Wait till everyone is served and the hostess begins to eat before you begin. (Fletcher’s footnote: This is a challenge for our family! Believe it or not, our youngest child Timothy does the best at remembering this particular courtesy!)
5. Don’t put your elbows on the table while eating or encircle your plate with your arms resting on the table. (Fletcher’s footnote: When I was a kid and would put my elbows on the table, my dad would always say, "Matthew Fletcher, strong and able – get those elbows off the table! This is not a horse’s stable! This is Fletchers’ dining table!" I think I heard that about 748 times growing up, but hey, in the end it worked! I rarely if ever rest my elbows or arms on the table!)
6. Never say anything negative about the food.
7. When the food is passed, serve yourself small to medium portions.
8. Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
9. Don’t reach in front of another person for food. Simply ask, "Please pass the potatoes."
10. Don’t blow on your food f it is too hot; just wait till it cools down.
11. Learn to hold a knife and fork properly.
12. When you have finished eating, place your knife and fork atop the plate side by side.
13. Fold your napkin, and put it on the table.
14. Offer to help your mother clear the table.
15. Ask to be excused.
Mealtime Conversation
Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." I used to have this verse taped to the base of my telephone as a helpful reminder! Whether or not we post it on our telephone or table, this verse should be stamped on our hearts. Mealtime is a terrific opportunity to administer grace to those seated around you. With that in mind, here are some helpful tips regarding "table talk":
1. Listen. When you are at the table, be fully there. You can’t contribute to a conversation you haven’t been listening to.
2. Learn to ask questions. Don’t wait for someone to direct the conversation toward you.
3. Don’t talk while chewing.
4. Has a family member had a bad day? Give a word of encouragement.
5. Don’t dominate the conversation. Allow others to participate in the discussion.
6. If a dinner guest is shy, look for ways to graciously draw them into the conversation.
7. If conversation is lagging, bring up a new topic, like: "Our class is going on a field trip this Friday!"
8. Don’t interrupt.
9. Thank the cook!
Next time we’ll wrap up this series with some general guidelines for being a good houseguest and to show proper etiquette in a variety of situations. Remember to start with the heart and work your way out! Commit these things to prayer, and practice being a good example. Above all, don’t get disheartened or discouraged! Instead, "be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord" (1 Cor. 15:58).
So in teaching this mini-series on manners, we have emphasized from the outset the importance of addressing the heart issues that are involved. Our children must understand from Scripture that they were created for God’s glory and that our lives are to revolve around Him, not ourselves. Our kids must come to know the grace of God in Christ, that they might experience that grace for themselves and have that grace flow from their hearts and into the lives of those around them. As adults, we should remember that good manners are caught, not just taught. To teach our children in the ways of God, we must walk the walk ourselves and not just talk the talk.
Speaking of which, we addressed the issue of speech in our last posting. Jesus said, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34). Words have a way of revealing what’s in the heart. If we as parents will listen carefully to what our kids say, their words will give us a clue as to the spiritual climate of their hearts. As we shepherd their hearts and they respond to our shepherding, we will see a transformation in the way they talk. The progress will be slow and painstaking at times, but steady. In addition to shepherding their hearts, we also have to teach them the right way to talk. That is to say, they may have a zeal for God-honoring speech, but not according to knowledge! So we need to teach them proper manners in terms of saying "please," "thank you," "pardon me," etc., as well as how to introduce people properly and how to respond when spoken to, especially by an adult.
Continuing on with these "practical pointers," we now turn our attention to table manners. Once again, I have adapted this material from Kent and Barbara Hughes’ book, Disciplines of a Godly Family. They are right in saying that every member of the family should know and practice basic table etiquette. So here we go. . .
Setting the Table
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the only time to set a nice table is when company is coming. That’s not to say that you should bring out your finest dishes or silverware for everyday dining but that the basic lay-out should be the same, conveying the importance and anticipation of the family meal.
The table should be set as follows: The fork is placed to the left of the plate. The knife goes to the right of the plate, with the cutting edge facing the plate. The spoon is placed directly to the right of the knife. If a soup spoon will be needed, it is placed to the right of the teaspoon, and a salad fork is placed at the left of the dinner fork. The glass is placed just above the point of the knife. The bread plate or salad plate (or both if needed) is placed directly above the forks and to the left. The napkin may be placed to the left of the forks or in the middle of the dinner plate.
Taking the time to teach your children how to set a table is time well spent. They will thank you someday!
Setting the Scene
Once the table is set, it’s nice to add a centerpiece. It can be flowers, fresh fruit, a loaf of freshly baked bread, or simply a nice candle. A centerpiece is that extra touch that says "our times together around the table is special." Perhaps some soft music in the background may even be appropriate.
(Fletcher’s footnote: Some of you are already laughing and saying, "Yeah, right." But let me tell you that it is possible for this to be a more-often-than-not occurrence. My mother did it, and my wife does it. And when Ruthie isn’t around, my daughter Megan does it! In fact, even I usually do it, though not as capably. It’s simply a matter of working at it. And it really does help to create a comfortable and homey atmosphere at mealtime.)
Dinner Is Served
Dinnertime with children is an opportune time for training. But this demands lots of patience and gentle consistency. A sense of humor doesn’t hurt, either! Here is a basic list of what to do and what not to do at mealtime:
1. Come to the table with hands and face washed.
2. Give thanks to God.
3. Place your napkin in your lap.
4. Wait till everyone is served and the hostess begins to eat before you begin. (Fletcher’s footnote: This is a challenge for our family! Believe it or not, our youngest child Timothy does the best at remembering this particular courtesy!)
5. Don’t put your elbows on the table while eating or encircle your plate with your arms resting on the table. (Fletcher’s footnote: When I was a kid and would put my elbows on the table, my dad would always say, "Matthew Fletcher, strong and able – get those elbows off the table! This is not a horse’s stable! This is Fletchers’ dining table!" I think I heard that about 748 times growing up, but hey, in the end it worked! I rarely if ever rest my elbows or arms on the table!)
6. Never say anything negative about the food.
7. When the food is passed, serve yourself small to medium portions.
8. Don’t talk with food in your mouth.
9. Don’t reach in front of another person for food. Simply ask, "Please pass the potatoes."
10. Don’t blow on your food f it is too hot; just wait till it cools down.
11. Learn to hold a knife and fork properly.
12. When you have finished eating, place your knife and fork atop the plate side by side.
13. Fold your napkin, and put it on the table.
14. Offer to help your mother clear the table.
15. Ask to be excused.
Mealtime Conversation
Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." I used to have this verse taped to the base of my telephone as a helpful reminder! Whether or not we post it on our telephone or table, this verse should be stamped on our hearts. Mealtime is a terrific opportunity to administer grace to those seated around you. With that in mind, here are some helpful tips regarding "table talk":
1. Listen. When you are at the table, be fully there. You can’t contribute to a conversation you haven’t been listening to.
2. Learn to ask questions. Don’t wait for someone to direct the conversation toward you.
3. Don’t talk while chewing.
4. Has a family member had a bad day? Give a word of encouragement.
5. Don’t dominate the conversation. Allow others to participate in the discussion.
6. If a dinner guest is shy, look for ways to graciously draw them into the conversation.
7. If conversation is lagging, bring up a new topic, like: "Our class is going on a field trip this Friday!"
8. Don’t interrupt.
9. Thank the cook!
Next time we’ll wrap up this series with some general guidelines for being a good houseguest and to show proper etiquette in a variety of situations. Remember to start with the heart and work your way out! Commit these things to prayer, and practice being a good example. Above all, don’t get disheartened or discouraged! Instead, "be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord" (1 Cor. 15:58).