In Part One of this series, we emphasized from the Scriptures that the heart determines behavior. Therefore, our aim as parents should not be mere reformation on the outside but true transformation on the inside. As we shepherd the hearts of our children in the ways of God according to His Word and in reliance on His Spirit, we can be sure that the good that is taking place on the inside will work its way to the outside.
In Part Two, we emphasized four key scriptural principles that are indispensable in teaching our kids good manners. First, we have to teach them that they are not the center of the universe; God is. Everything we do is ultimately for His glory. Life revolves around the Lord, not us. Second, we want to help them to discover the personal joy that courtesy brings. When we seek to be a blessing to others, we ourselves are blessed. (It helps to think of JOY as an acrostic: Jesus, Others, You. When we make this our pattern, God is pleased, and we are blessed.) Third, we as parents should set the example (see 1 Cor. 11:1; Phil. 4:9). Fourth, teaching ordinary, everyday etiquette to our children takes disciplined effort on our part as parents. Consistency is key!
A great place to start is with speech. As was noted in Part One, what comes out of a person's mouth indicates what's in his heart. As Jesus put it, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34). Again, we cannot emphasize enough that our goal as parents is to reach the hearts of our children! Keeping that in mind, we can point out to them by their words what they need to work on in terms of their heart attitude. For instance, our words may reflect a spirit of ingratitude or disrespect or insensitivity. These are the heart issues that need to be addressed. We should always point to Christ as our pattern (Phil. 2:5) and power (Phil. 4:13) in overcoming bad habits and developing proper etiquette.
Below is a summary of showing good manners in reference to our speech. They are adapted from Disciplines of a Godly Family, by Kent and Barbara Hughes:
Courteous Words
Ever since I was old enough to remember, my parents ingrained in me that "magic word" -- Please -- as well as its corresponding expression of gratitude: Thank You. These words are so simple to learn, and they are so important to use! Even children that can't speak in complete sentences can learn these simple words of courtesy. Parents can reinforce their importance by never responding to an screaming demand or even an uncourteous request. Show your kids that courtesy is the way to get positive consideration. In addition to teaching them terms like "please" and "thank you," train them to use other common courteous expressions such as "you're welcome," "pardon me," etc.
Introductions
When it comes to introducing people, always say the older person's name before the younger, and the woman's name before the man. These should be prioritized in that order, assuming the age difference is obvious. "Grandma, I'd like you to meet my friend Johnny." "Mr. Smith, I'd like you to meet my cousin Rebecca."
If you forget the name of the person when introducing someone, simply say, "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name."
Young children can easily be taught how to respond when their parents introduce them to new people. They should be taught to stand, look the person in the eye, and respond with something like, "Nice to meet you."
Boys should understand that when they are introduced to other males, they should smile and extend their hand, firmly shaking hands while greeting the other with "Hi" or "Nice to meet you" or some other friendly expression. Boys should never shake the hand of a girl or woman unless she extends it to him.
I remember as a kid watching The Muppets TV show. My two favorite characters were those grouchy old men that would make wise-cracks from the balcony. Unfortunately, they weren't very good examples when it came to courteous speech! Nevertheless, The Muppet Guide to Magnificent Manners neatly lists some very helpful tips for children learning to converse. I've also attached some corresponding Bible references to show their consistency with Scripture:
1. Try not to interrupt. If you must, say, "Excuse me for interrupting, but. . ." (Fletcher's footnote: Even better than this rule, I like the "Interrupt Rule" that Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo teach in their course, Growing Kids God's Way. When breaking into their parents' conversation with someone else, children are taught to rest their hand on their parent's arm or shoulder. That signals to the parent that his/her child wants to say something. The child is taught to wait patiently until the parent responds. We taught this when our kids were little, and we were amazed at the impression it made on those to whom we were speaking!)
2. Don't brag or exaggerate. (Romans 12:3; 1 Corinthians 4:7)
3. Don't pretend to know more than you do. (Prov. 12:13, 22; 18:2)
4. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you." Don't belittle the other person ... or get a swelled head. (2 Cor. 10:12-13)
5. Don't finish other people's sentences for them.
6. If you give an opinion, state it as such, not as fact.
7. If you disagree with someone else's opinion, don't say, "You're wrong" or "You're crazy." Say something like "Do you think so? I don't see it like that." (Fletcher's footnote: Of course if a person's opinion is contrary to Scripture, we have the responsibility to "speak the truth in love" - Eph. 4:15. But when we're talking about personal opinions, we have to acknowledge the legitimacy of differing viewpoints and preferences.)
Certainly more common courtesies in reference to speech could be added. Negatively, we should teach our kids not to gossip, tattle, whisper secrets in front of others, criticize or make fun of people, etc. Positively, we should teach them to cheerfully greet others, answer when they're spoken to, always address adults by their proper titles (Mr., Mrs., Miss, etc.).
Of course even more could be added, but you get the idea. As we address heart attitudes, we can also work on using words that can best reflect what should be a positive heart attitude. Some may have a zeal for good manners, but not according to knowledge! So let us be sure to give some helpful guidelines while emphasizing God-honoring attitudes of the heart.
Next time we'll talk about cultivating good table manners! We could probably all use a refresher course on that!
In Part Two, we emphasized four key scriptural principles that are indispensable in teaching our kids good manners. First, we have to teach them that they are not the center of the universe; God is. Everything we do is ultimately for His glory. Life revolves around the Lord, not us. Second, we want to help them to discover the personal joy that courtesy brings. When we seek to be a blessing to others, we ourselves are blessed. (It helps to think of JOY as an acrostic: Jesus, Others, You. When we make this our pattern, God is pleased, and we are blessed.) Third, we as parents should set the example (see 1 Cor. 11:1; Phil. 4:9). Fourth, teaching ordinary, everyday etiquette to our children takes disciplined effort on our part as parents. Consistency is key!
A great place to start is with speech. As was noted in Part One, what comes out of a person's mouth indicates what's in his heart. As Jesus put it, "Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks" (Matt. 12:34). Again, we cannot emphasize enough that our goal as parents is to reach the hearts of our children! Keeping that in mind, we can point out to them by their words what they need to work on in terms of their heart attitude. For instance, our words may reflect a spirit of ingratitude or disrespect or insensitivity. These are the heart issues that need to be addressed. We should always point to Christ as our pattern (Phil. 2:5) and power (Phil. 4:13) in overcoming bad habits and developing proper etiquette.
Below is a summary of showing good manners in reference to our speech. They are adapted from Disciplines of a Godly Family, by Kent and Barbara Hughes:
Courteous Words
Ever since I was old enough to remember, my parents ingrained in me that "magic word" -- Please -- as well as its corresponding expression of gratitude: Thank You. These words are so simple to learn, and they are so important to use! Even children that can't speak in complete sentences can learn these simple words of courtesy. Parents can reinforce their importance by never responding to an screaming demand or even an uncourteous request. Show your kids that courtesy is the way to get positive consideration. In addition to teaching them terms like "please" and "thank you," train them to use other common courteous expressions such as "you're welcome," "pardon me," etc.
Introductions
When it comes to introducing people, always say the older person's name before the younger, and the woman's name before the man. These should be prioritized in that order, assuming the age difference is obvious. "Grandma, I'd like you to meet my friend Johnny." "Mr. Smith, I'd like you to meet my cousin Rebecca."
If you forget the name of the person when introducing someone, simply say, "I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name."
Young children can easily be taught how to respond when their parents introduce them to new people. They should be taught to stand, look the person in the eye, and respond with something like, "Nice to meet you."
Boys should understand that when they are introduced to other males, they should smile and extend their hand, firmly shaking hands while greeting the other with "Hi" or "Nice to meet you" or some other friendly expression. Boys should never shake the hand of a girl or woman unless she extends it to him.
I remember as a kid watching The Muppets TV show. My two favorite characters were those grouchy old men that would make wise-cracks from the balcony. Unfortunately, they weren't very good examples when it came to courteous speech! Nevertheless, The Muppet Guide to Magnificent Manners neatly lists some very helpful tips for children learning to converse. I've also attached some corresponding Bible references to show their consistency with Scripture:
1. Try not to interrupt. If you must, say, "Excuse me for interrupting, but. . ." (Fletcher's footnote: Even better than this rule, I like the "Interrupt Rule" that Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo teach in their course, Growing Kids God's Way. When breaking into their parents' conversation with someone else, children are taught to rest their hand on their parent's arm or shoulder. That signals to the parent that his/her child wants to say something. The child is taught to wait patiently until the parent responds. We taught this when our kids were little, and we were amazed at the impression it made on those to whom we were speaking!)
2. Don't brag or exaggerate. (Romans 12:3; 1 Corinthians 4:7)
3. Don't pretend to know more than you do. (Prov. 12:13, 22; 18:2)
4. When someone compliments you, say "Thank you." Don't belittle the other person ... or get a swelled head. (2 Cor. 10:12-13)
5. Don't finish other people's sentences for them.
6. If you give an opinion, state it as such, not as fact.
7. If you disagree with someone else's opinion, don't say, "You're wrong" or "You're crazy." Say something like "Do you think so? I don't see it like that." (Fletcher's footnote: Of course if a person's opinion is contrary to Scripture, we have the responsibility to "speak the truth in love" - Eph. 4:15. But when we're talking about personal opinions, we have to acknowledge the legitimacy of differing viewpoints and preferences.)
Certainly more common courtesies in reference to speech could be added. Negatively, we should teach our kids not to gossip, tattle, whisper secrets in front of others, criticize or make fun of people, etc. Positively, we should teach them to cheerfully greet others, answer when they're spoken to, always address adults by their proper titles (Mr., Mrs., Miss, etc.).
Of course even more could be added, but you get the idea. As we address heart attitudes, we can also work on using words that can best reflect what should be a positive heart attitude. Some may have a zeal for good manners, but not according to knowledge! So let us be sure to give some helpful guidelines while emphasizing God-honoring attitudes of the heart.
Next time we'll talk about cultivating good table manners! We could probably all use a refresher course on that!