This past Monday, August 18, Ruthie and I celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary. Although our marriage is far from perfect, it is healthy and thriving. We can honestly say that we love one another more deeply and passionately than ever before.
At the same time, our hearts go out to our friends and fellow church members who are distressed or discouraged over the state of their marriage. Their relationship is characterized by conflict and frustration rather than love, joy and peace.
In his book, When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage, author Dave Harvey begins by presenting three biblical principles in relation to a Christian marriage. I have thought about these over and over, and I am convinced that if couples would remember and apply these principles on a consistent basis, their marriage would be transformed:
1. God's Word is the foundation for marriage.
2. God's glory is the focus of marriage.
3. The Gospel is the fountain of marriage.
By God's grace, Ruthie and I can say that we see these three principles actively at work in our marriage. Again, let me stress that our marriage is far from perfect! But we are happy and fulfilled in our covenant of companionship.
As you can see, the three principles stated above are very basic and broad. While we would encourage you to get the book (wherein Harvey expounds upon these principles), we thought it would be helpful to share with you some personal tidbits on how we apply these principles in everyday, practical ways in our own marriage.
Considering that we just celebrated our 18th anniversary on the 18th of August, we decided to share "18 Tips for a Terrific Marriage." When I asked Ruthie to help me with this project, she spent some time working on this while I was at a ministry meeting. When I came home and asked her if she came up with some practical suggestions, she said, "Yes, but instead of eighteen, I came up with twenty-four!"
After some slight revisions, we have boiled down Ruthie's original list to our "quota" of 18 tips, by making the additional suggestions fit as sub-points elsewhere. I thought you should know, up front, that Ruthie came up with this list. So while I concur with everything that she said and have included some Scripture references and a few additional comments, these are suggestions coming from a wife's standpoint, with the hearty endorsement of her happy and fulfilled husband. So here they are, in no particular order:
- Look for the things you love about your spouse, not the little things that irritate you (Phil. 4:8).
- Make time to talk (even about the everyday things) a real priority.
- Keep short accounts with one another. Don't let bitterness or resentment build. Note: Timing is everything when it comes to bringing up a sensitive or stressful situation. Late at night when you're both tired is usually not the best time to resolve a disagreement. The key to not letting the sun go down on your wrath is to give it to the Lord (Psalm 4:4-5), not to "give it" to your spouse right before bed!
- Try to discuss things of the Lord and His Word (Psalm 19:165), and pray together as often as possible (Eph. 6:18; 1 Pet. 4:7-8).
- Be thankful and appreciative for all that your spouse does, whether monumental or mundane (1 Thes. 5:17).
- Be intentional about keeping courtship and romance alive in your marriage (Song of Solomon 1:15-16; 2:2-6; 7:10): (a) Take the time and effort to make yourself attractive to your spouse; (b) Make "date night" a regular priority - be creative, it doesn't need to be costly; (c) If at all possible, go to bed at the same time, don't have a TV in your bedroom, and make sure you're clean and fresh - it's conducive to snuggling! (d) Be sensitive to meeting your spouse's sexual needs (1 Cor. 7:3) - remember it's not all about you ... and you are usually glad you did! :)
- Be sure both your husband and kids see that he is the final authority in the home. Husbands, be sure your kids see how much you love and respect your wife. Insist that they honor their mother as well (Prov. 31:28).
- Never criticize your spouse to your kids; bring your concerns to him or her in a right spirit, and in private, once you have examined your own heart. Note: United, loving parents give a huge sense of security to their children.
- Don't assume the worst about your spouse in a given situation; remember, love believes the best (1 Cor. 13:7).
- Make every effort to keep your home - and particularly your bedroom clutter-free and inviting.
- Make sitting down to dinner together as a family a priority. In the end, sports and guitar lessons pale in comparison. If dinner simply cannot work out, then make it some other meal.
- Don't nag or manipulate to get what you want. While it may bring short-term results, it will bring long-term damage.
- Remember to lift up your spouse in prayer daily.
- Try to make your home as stress-free as possible, so that coming home is a pleasant, not miserable, experience.
- Don't speak negatively of your spouse to others, and always be ready to defend him or her if someone does. (This does not mean that you excuse or endorse the sin of your spouse, but that you handle things in a loving, biblical manner, wherein you seek to uphold his or her honor.)
- Make a conscious effort to encourage and build up your spouse, always being there to help him or her in any way you can. You should be your spouse's number-one encourager.
- Don't let money matters ruin your marriage. Wives, don't complain about what you don't have materially; it makes your husband feel inadequate as the provider. Besides, we are to set our minds on the eternal, not the temporal (2 Cor. 4:18; Col. 3:1-2). Do your best to stretch the house-hold dollar. Be a good steward of what God has already given you. Be content with what you have (1 Tim. 6:8). Husbands, be as generous to your wives as possible. Be more generous to them than you are to yourselves.
- Make your marriage the central relationship in the home (apart from your individual relationship to Christ, of course). While children are God's gifts and welcomed additions to the family, they are not the central feature of the family; the marriage relationship is (Gen. 2:24). Make sure that your schedules and activities reflect the priority of the marriage relationship. In addition to preserving your marriage, this will bring more benefit and security to your kids than you can imagine.
Well, there you have it! May these practical tidbits be a help and encouragement to you, as pursue a healthy and vibrant marriage to the glory of God!