What to Look for in a Spouse

Last weekend our church hosted a Family Conference with Tom Harmon.  The sessions were Scripture-saturated and loaded with personal application.  During one of these sessions, Tom shared with us a "checklist" of sorts that his son developed when considering what kind of woman God would want him to marry.  Later, Tom's daughter(s) came up with a similar list for a husband.  So this is the list that Tom handed to me during the service that is a "composite" of the character qualities his kids wanted in their spouses.  Most of these characteristics are not gender-specific. Nevertheless, because there are a few distinctions, I have gone ahead and put these qualifications into two different lists.

"What to Look for in a Wife"
  1. She is not only saved but truly loves the Lord and is committed to Him and His Word (Mark 12:30).
  2. She is morally pure and lives a life of high moral standards.  She is a woman of character (1 Thess. 4:3-7).
  3. She lives in harmony with authority, i.e. parents, church, government (Eph. 6:1-2; 1 Peter 2:13-19).
  4. She accepts herself as best evidenced by a meek and quiet spirit.  She doesn't make physical things her focus - clothes, makeup, etc. (1 Peter 3:1-6).  
  5. She loves her parents, especially her dad.  If her parents are divorced or she has been wronged deeply, she forgives and honors them (Eph. 6:1-3).  
  6. She has a purpose in life that includes a high priority on being a wife and mother and homemaker (Titus 2:4-5).
  7. She is fun and light-hearted, and yet can be serious when the occasion calls for it (Prov. 17:22; Titus 2:4).
"What to Look for in a Husband"
  1. He is not only saved but he truly loves the Lord and is committed to Him and His Word (Mark 12:30).
  2. He is morally pure and lives a life of high moral standards.  He is a man of character (1 Thess. 4:3-7).
  3. He lives in harmony with authority, i.e. parents, church, government (Eph. 6:1-2; 1 Pet. 2:13-19).
  4. He accepts himself as best evidenced by a humble and contrite heart.  He is temperate and not given to anger (Matt. 11:29; Prov. 22:24; James 1:19).
  5. He loves his parents, especially his mother.  If his parents are divorced or he has been wronged deeply, he forgives and honors them (Eph. 6:1-3).
  6. He has purpose in life that includes a high priority on spiritual leadership.  He loves children (Eph. 5:24-29; Eph. 6:4).
  7. He is honest and self-denying. He cares deeply about the feelings of those he is responsible for (Luke 9:23).
These are helpful lists indeed, but keep in mind that they are not comprehensive.  Further, we must realize that "the best of men are men at best" (the same is true of women).  The godliest of spouses will fail to be all that they should be, could be, and want to be.  As James says, "We all stumble in many ways" (3:2).  One of the best books on marriage I've come by in a long time is entitled When Sinners Say 'I Do.'  That's a great title, because it's true!  Both husband and wife are sinners; they're only hope for life and marriage is the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  So for marital fulfillment, our trust is in Christ, not a checklist.

But having said that, let us applaud those young people who seek to establish biblical criteria for their mates.  A believer shouldn't marry just anyone who claims to be a Christian, but one who is committed in his/her walk with Christ and spurs on others spiritually.  Paul told Timothy, "Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart" (2 Tim. 2:22).

And let us be sure to strive after the same biblical standards that we set before our (future) spouse.  Someone once said to me, "Marriage is not so much finding the right person as it is being the right person."  That's wisdom.  God help each of us to take it to heart.